Finding My Voice
Embracing Freedom and Healing from Church Hurt
When I launched into the Substack world this past May, I made a promise to myself and to those who follow my posts: to release something new at least once a week on Wednesdays.
My friend, this is only the second time that the words aren’t flowing, and Wednesday is here. The first time this happened, I pulled something from an old email and repurposed it for Substack. Bam. Mission accomplished.
But this week, I have to admit, I don't feel like an "Unchained Scribe." As writers, there are moments when our voices just don’t seem to emerge. In these times, I find myself pondering, reflecting, and mostly diving into other people’s words with ferocious fervor. I call it research time—primarily for my next book, Who Told You That? Dispelling Lies Christians Believe. Lately, my feeds are filled with stories of church hurts and deliverance from church cults.
This current project took root last year when I felt led to transition into writing and self-publishing coaching after nine years in the Christian publishing industry. Honestly, I didn’t see myself as a coach; I imagined something entirely different.
But every door to my envisioned path closed, and others swung open wide to coaching writers. Before long, I had clients and was working on my book alongside them. Then I felt the Lord prompt me to pause that project and first write and release Unlock the Writer Within: Conquer Overwhelm and Write Your Book.
As that book nears release, I’ve been revisiting the journey to freedom that began last summer. It all started with The Artist’s Way, a 12-week study by Julia Cameron. Somewhere in that self-study, I felt inspired to take what I called a "bohemian vacation."
I told my husband about my idea for a vacation with just a start and end date, letting the Spirit guide us in our Camaro, packed with camping gear. He loved it, and off we went on this 10-day adventure.
The road trip was transformative, but what followed was even more profound. After the trip, my husband and I began the challenging journey of stepping down from our volunteer roles at church. Each step felt like walking a tightrope—necessary for our sanity, yet awkward under the weight of expectations from those who saw us as leaders.
The truth was, we were not official leaders, just ordinary people on similar journeys. This realization led us to leave the church entirely for a season of healing—a process we are still tenderly unraveling.
During this time apart from the church, I realized the spirit of fear no longer tormented me. I finally felt free to be the person God created me to be. God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. (See 2 Timothy 1:7.)
So why was I tormented by fear in church? It’s a question I’m beginning to unravel.
Somehow, I stumbled upon a post by Sue Cramer on her Praise and Coffee blog, which led me to Wayne Jacobsen’s book, Finding Church. Jacobsen describes many established churches as institutions that often use fear to control. This resonated with my experiences and finally gave me the language to describe them.
Though my experiences weren't as extreme as those in recent news with evangelical pastors either stepping down or being removed from the pulpit, I have known church hurt, not just from one church but nine churches during my adult life, not counting my childhood experiences.
I can’t just dismiss these painful experiences. It’s becoming clear why the Lord had me pause on writing, Who Told You That?—there was more He wanted to reveal to me first.
Through this process, I’ve gained profound insight and revelation. My eyes are opened to the truth of my experiences, and now I see others who suffer similarly from spiritual abuse by the subtle twisting of Scripture to manipulate behaviors to keep the institution functioning.
Anne Wilson’s song "Rebel" struck a chord with me. I feel like a rebel against a system, not against God or Jesus my Savior. Jesus did not give into the religious systems and was considered a rebel. I relate to Jesus.
So, what happened to my voice? It wanted to paint a picture of me having it all together. That’s why it was bound up. But now, I realize I am truly an unchained scribe when I share my the reality of my journey with you.
My friend, I've discovered that I find my voice when I get honest with God and myself about what’s happening in my world.
If you resonate with this journey and have experienced church hurt, I’m so sorry. I want to invite you to share your story in the comments below. Let’s walk this healing path together.
P.S. If you've ever felt silenced by church hurt or struggled to find your voice to share your story, I want to introduce you to a resource that might empower you. Unlock the Writer Within: Conquer Overwhelm and Write Your Book is designed to help you embrace your divine calling and step confidently into your role as a messenger of God’s truth.
Remember, your voice is powerful, and your message deserves to be shared.
You know some of my story. It takes years to unlearn what was taught. Or sort through biblical truths and mistruths. Immersing myself in the Word was my salvation.
These days I seem to be at odds with the church. My work on the street has made me a bit of an outcast. Having a child struggling with addiction and mental health issues makes you a bit of a pariah. No one shows up at your door with a casserole when your child is hospitalized after a suicide attempt or an over dose. No one calls to ask if you want them to pray with you. Well...others from other church communities, yes. And many across N America have filled in the gap to walk aoongside with me. But not those that you've fellowshipped with for 15 years. Trying not to live in offense but changes have to be made in ministry models. Meanwhile, I'll go to the street where I'm welcome.
I feel freer (more free?😁) just reading this. I hope to follow suit. Have started the process but not where I'd like to be yet.